It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
