P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
