If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize