i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
honey bunches of taint.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
