K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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