The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
