I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
