Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Text me some of your sweat
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