i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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