If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
