The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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