He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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