Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
