my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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