High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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