I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
