I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
