Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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