There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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