I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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