i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize