I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
