Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
