my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
