I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
