3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
