you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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