Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
PANTIES FOUND
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