I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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