Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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