you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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