Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
