Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
