your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
