when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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