A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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