I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Randomize
