have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
false alarm. still invincible.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
