a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
