My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize