Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
