3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
