When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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