Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize