Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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