I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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