Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
