filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
