I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
