no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
