I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
