Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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