You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
