They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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