the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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