I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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