So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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